by Claus Larsen

When you are born, you get a name. Some are called Jeroboam, some are called John. Giving a child a name is serious business – it can certainly influence you later in life. Imagine a 7 feet professional basketball player called “Benjamin” or a 4 feet CEO called “Magnus”!

Just how important a name is, is not clear to most people. Fortunately, a society exists to tell you precisely how crucial it is you choose the right name for your child. The name of a person, according to the Kalabarian Philosophy, determines no less than your destiny, your “mental direction”, your personality, how happy you are, how you attract people, how successful you will be, etc.

Why is this so?

“It just does.”
Society of Kabalarians of Canada & Kabalarian Philosophy  

Well, that must be true, then. No need for verification, no need to test it.

Yeah, right!

That’s not the way skeptics do it. We accept that such a claim could indeed be valid, but we also put it to the test.

See if you can match these five persons with the five descriptions, taken from the site.

Adolf Hitler Benito Mussolini Augusto Pinochet Idi Amin Saddam Hussein

Person A
Your first name of …. creates a dual nature for you desire to systematize your life to progress step by step, but so frequently, you are taken into new experiences, instability, and change. You are intrigued by a challenge, especially in mechanical and technical fields. Scientific concepts appeal to you. You like activities that require physical effort as well as mental ingenuity. Your questioning, critical, practical nature makes you prove all ideas to your own satisfaction, rarely accepting anyone’s word or ideas. At times you are torn between your desire for system and order and your desire for change and new experiences. You have to guard against impatience and criticism of the weaknesses of others. Your impulsive nature could lead to accidents. Physical weaknesses would show in the digestive tract and stomach.

Person B
Your first name of …. makes you a quick thinker, both philosophical and creative. You appreciate music, art, and drama and, if given training, could excel in those fields. Self-consciousness may prevent you from feeling at ease in positions of impromptu expression. Desiring to be free from detail and monotony, you find it difficult to finish what you start if it does not hold your interest. You enjoy reading and the beauties of nature, experiencing peace and relaxation in outdoor activities. A very individual, independent person, you live within your own thoughts. With acquaintances and strangers, you tend to be reticent and reserved. Your friends never know whether they will find you friendly and charming or lost in introspection. When unhappy or disappointed, you can be moody and temperamental, feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. You will go out of your way to help others, and find it difficult to say “no” and mean it. Others impose on your generosity at times. You enjoy sweets and starchy foods. Over-indulgence could cause a weak back, skin conditions or arthritis later in life. The heart and lungs could also be affected at stressful times.

Person C
Your name of …. gives you the desire to understand and help others with their problems but, at the same time, you can become too involved in their problems and, as a result, worry too much. This name creates a pleasant, easy-going, yet responsible nature. It gives you a natural ability to express affection to those close to you, without feelings of embarrassment. You tend to avoid issues, however, and put off until tomorrow the things which should be done today. Accordingly, you would find difficulty in achieving success in positions requiring aggressiveness and drive. Also, you prefer to avoid strenuous work of a manual nature. Your natural inclination is to pursue a line of work where you have contact with people, where you carry some responsibility, and where you are engaged in mental rather than physical activity. You are diplomatic in your handling of people and always give others the benefit of the doubt. You appreciate good music and art. The health weaknesses created by this name affect the fluid functions.

Person D
Your name of …. gives you the ability to understand people and to merge conflicting viewpoints to create harmony in association. You dislike facing issues or witnessing hurt feelings. You make friends easily but must guard against becoming involved in the affairs of others or being too easily led. You could do well working with the public giving advice, where you can use your skills in diplomacy in handling people, but where you are not under pressure or required to carry responsibility and make decisions. You find it difficult to make snap decisions and to occupy a leadership position as you lack self-confidence. You dislike heavy manual work; as well, you are inclined to put plans off until forced to take action. You find it difficult to be systematic in business and you dislike budgeting. Without the encouragement of others, you lack the energy, confidence, or initiative required to bring an idea to fruition. This name creates weaknesses in the fluids of the body, kidneys, or glandular system.

Person E
While your name of …. gives you an intense desire to be of service to others, it brings out a practical, technical nature, and you become involved in fussy little details that detract from the fulfilment of your greater ideals. You are a very patient person and will work hard one step at a time to accomplish your goals. Not interested in large undertakings, you are content to live from day to day to save for your future. Always budgeting carefully, you do not believe in frivolous spending. You tend to be thorough in building a solid foundation of fact and logic, but you are not especially imaginative or investigative. You are particular and quite set in your way you want things to be done. Once you have made up your mind or formed an opinion it is not easily changed. Hence there is a restriction in friendships and business opportunities. This name stimulates urges and desires for which there is no creative outlet and the ensuing frustration creates nervous tension which centres in the region of the solar plexus and intestinal organs, causing constipation, intestinal trouble, boils, or growths. You feel emotional frustrations and disturbances that create irritability and a strong temper.

See the results here.

You can also have your own name analyzed, for a “modest” $55 all the way up to $490. The latter does include “career and vocation recommendations based on your inner potential”. Be still, my heart.

This service is obviously merely a collection of the same type of Forer-statements   also found in astrology and the cold-reading techniques used by psychic mediums. The possibility exists that this naming-business really do have some deeper meaning, but when you hear the claimants flat-out state that they are telling the truth without showing any kind of proof, that is usually the first sign that not all is well. “I don’t know, but trust me” is not a strategy that works when skeptics are involved.

But I am sure that the “analysis” comes in a beautiful plastic binder…(I confess that I don’t know – I have better things to spend my money on).

Changing your future from Adolf to Albert

The comforting thing about Woo-Woo claims is that there is always a solution right around the corner (for a price, of course). In this case, if your parents chose a less-than-fortunate name for you, or you simply don’t like the way your life is going, the answer is easy: Simply change your name.

Yes, that’s right! You can in fact change your whole future, your personality, your “mental direction” and even get more sex, if you change your name to something that suits you better.

There seems to be no limit to how many times you can change your name: If the world is tough, change your name, and (snap your fingers here, it might even work better) your sorrows are gone.

Let’s forget for the moment that it is also claimed that your name is “the unique part” of you….


It is simply a money-making machine, designed to fool the gullible. If you are convinced that you will get a better life if you change your name, you will focus on the good things that happens to you after you change it, and forget the rest. Your money is better spent on a good dinner with someone you love.

And who knows what that will get you…