HomePsychic Powers

January, 2003
It all looked so good...

In 1996, the United States Air Force decided that Ellsworth AFB, near Rapid City, South Dakota would be my last duty station. Lovely place really. When I retired in April 2001, I decided to stay. I'd always heard of something called "Midwestern sensibility". Happily, I found this to be true. Out here, "PC" means "personal computer". The local residents here wouldn't know political correctness if they stepped in it. I'm sure most of the folks here think "homeopathy" is some sort of weird sexual deviation. Profanity? What profanity? A profane word or two is perfectly acceptable for a causal greeting. Even more if you haven't seen mom in a while.

How long did Adam and Eve stay in Paradise?

Things began to change a few years ago. "Alternative Health Care" now has it's own section in the yellow pages. "Health Faires" seem to be cropping up more often. A "Reiki Master" left a stack of her brochures at my place of work. I suppose even aging hippies have to live somewhere. I round filed the brochures. Just when I though things couldn't get any worse, the situation hit it's absolute nadir. I happened upon a little freebie alternative newspaper called "Hill Happenings". I was curious, so I decided to give it a read. The first article concerned "CRS" syndrome, and how many of us seem to be suffering from this malady. "CRS" is, by the way "Can't Remember Shit". Very funny piece, yet disturbingly true. The second article bemoaned the state of the area's strip joints, while extolling the virtues of four-wheel-drive trucks. The author preferences seemed to be "Shotgun Willies" and "Ford". At least I knew I was still in South Dakota.

Or maybe at a party in Woo-Woo Land?

But what is this on the second-to-last page? A column by none other than that famous spoon bender, Uri Geller. A quick scan revealed this wasn't a parody. Against my better judgement, I decided to see what ol' Uri had to say. The title of this particular article was "How to bend spoons". Really. By simply reading this five-paragraph article, you too can learn to bend spoons the Uri way. Uri says the best method getting started is to throw a party.

A quick aside here: I have absolutely nothing against parties. I'm in favor of parties, and recommend them highly. However, if I invited a bunch of my friends over to my house to bend spoons, the repercussions would probably be messy, at best. Thank you, but I believe I shall leave this off my social agenda.

Where was I? Must be CRS.

Uri warns against inviting any skeptics to this party, but recommends that people bring their kids. Get 'em young, right? He urges that most of these children should be female. He doesn't give a very good explanation why, just something about "purity". I didn't even want to go there. Now everyone is supposed to select the cutlery of their choice, stand in a circle, and shout "BEND!!!".

Is anyone other than me getting some rather weird and unsettling mental images of this party?

After everyone has demanded obedience from their flatware, they're supposed to rub the stem in between their thumb and forefinger. I'm not sure what this is supposed to do. Maybe even eating utensils need love.

Next, everyone is supposed to start encouraging their friends' forks and spoons. Talk about weird mental pictures. I just had lunch. My fork performed very nicely without encouragement. I just took a swing through my kitchen, and every knife, fork and spoon seem to be pretty stable. The appliances are doing well to, very secure, one might even say a bit smug (although I think I caught the toaster oven giving me a sidelong glance yesterday).

The point! The point!

So what's my point in all this rambling? We're in trouble. Traditionally, these people have prided themselves in their "Midwestern Sensibility". Until now, I thought that the serious woo woo stuff would be just as welcome as a Democrat at a Newt Gingrich tent revival. People: find out what your schools are teaching your kids. When your local paper prints something you know is bunk, call them on it. Educate yourselves on the latest outrageous claims, and the debunking thereof.

Enough of this. After reading back through this thing, I think I need a serious case of CRS. While I don't frequent strip joints, the local tavern seems like a good idea.

And yes, I drive a Ford.