SkepticReport * The Top 10 List

Top 10 Signs Your Dowsing Rod Is Not Tuned Correctly

#10. It will only let you find Silly-Putty

#9. It won't make Julien Fries

#8. For some odd reason, it only seems to detect morons willing to spend money

#7. You keep hearing this annoying voice from it saying "Can you hear me now?"

#6. It will only detect gold Lamé

#5. It can't tell the time at night (Oh, wait...That's a sun dial)

#4. Anytime you set it to find something valuable, it keeps directing you to that worthless painting that's supposed to be some naked woman on a stair case.

#3. You just can't get in contact with the Enterprise with it.

#2. All it shows are re-runs of "I Love Lucy".

#1. It WORKS!

Top 10 Psychic Predictions That We Don't Hope Come True

#10. Jesus returns, and boy, is he pissed!

#9. Elvis is alive, and coming over for dinner!

#8. Worldwide Pants will sue the JREF for unlicensed use of copyrighted intellectual property.

#7. The Isle of Arran will sink into the sea. (That one was David Icke, and since I have to go to a wedding there next month, I'd really rather it didn't.)

#6. Flying saucers will arrive on Earth from the planet Amway.

#5. California will fall into the sea, and Arnold will blame Gray Davis.

#4. Ben and J-Lo split up! But then get back together... but then split up! But then get back together... but then...

#3. Planet X causes Nancy Lieder to lose interest in this thread.

#2. Congress passes an amendment stating all future presidents must be former "American Idol" contestants.

#1. The Amazing Randi and JREF will have to pay Sylvia Browne, John Edward, Yellow Bamboo, a little Russian girl, a horde of dowsers, several remote viewers, and a mime one million dollars each for proving that their paranormal claims are real. Afterward, Randi will be exposed as a swindler, a con-man, the half brother of Gary Schwartz, and a closet fundamentalist with the IQ of a dinner plate. Michael Shermer will found Credophile Magazine, and the server space for the JREF forums will be used for a website geared for selling homepathic cures, tarot cards, crystals, healing magnets, and winning lottery numbers.

Top 10 Psychic Powers That James Randi Has Yet To Investigate

#10. The ability to cause Osama Bin Laden and the CIA informant to vanish off the face of the Earth.

#9. The power of those Queer Eye guys to make straight guys think they're cool when they actually look gay, too.

#8. The psychic ability to "become invisible" while waiting for help at the post office or other government office.

#7. The power of making woo-woo believers' money disappear from their purses and turn up on the practitioners' purses.

#6. The mysterious force that makes Lucky Charms "magically delicious".

#5. The amazing ability to make even the coolest item of clothing look like a tramp's castoff.

#4. The supernatural ability to wear any old rat eaten sack and make it look like the coolest item on Earth.

#3. The power to keep water in a pot from boiling just by watching it.

#2. The mysterious force behind Justin Timberlake's popularity.

#1. The miracle that Conan O'Brien is still on the air.

Top 10 Sylvia Browne Excuses For Not Taking the James Randi Challenge

#10 "Carl Sagan keeps telling me not to."

#9 Fears secret desire for Randi will keep her from concentrating properly.

#8 Psychic knowledge that that day is going to be a really, really bad hair day.

#7 Seven-figure income making it difficult to maintain pained facial expression.

#6 Psychic knowledge that she will fail.

#5 Already committed to do Larry King live that day, if you know what I mean.

#4 Worried about possible attack of honesty.

#3 Keeps hearing a voice from somebody, telling her something about the position of Uranus--well, anyway, that's what it sounds like. Anyway, it's very distracting...

#2 Afraid of being confused with scum-sucking, low-life charlatans who do exactly the same thing that she does.

#1 Four words: "No cake served afterwards".

Editor's Note: On each of his shows, the comedian David Letterman has a "Top 10 List" , where he pokes fun at various subjects. The lists are often sent in by viewers, and are a wildly popular part of the show.

These "Top 10 Lists" stem from the James Randi Educational Foundation's forum, where a large group of people got together and came up with some truly hilarious stuff. This remarkable joint-effort can be viewed in full here.

Top 10 Signs Your Dowsing Rod Is Not Tuned Correctly
#10.	It will only let you find Silly-Putty
#9.	It won't make Julien Fries
#8.	For some odd reason, it only seems to detect morons willing to spend money
#7.	You keep hearing this annoying voice from it saying "Can you hear me now?"
#6.	It will only detect gold Lamé
#5.	It can't tell the time at night (Oh, wait...That's a sun dial)
#4.	Anytime you set it to find something valuable, it keeps directing you to that worthless painting that's supposed to be some naked woman on a stair case.
#3.	You just can't get in contact with the Enterprise with it.
#2.	All it shows are re-runs of "I Love Lucy".
#1.	It WORKS!

Top 10 Psychic Predictions That We Don't Hope Come True
#10.	Jesus returns, and boy, is he pissed!
#9.	Elvis is alive, and coming over for dinner!
#8.	Worldwide Pants will sue the JREF for unlicensed use of copyrighted intellectual property.
#7.	The Isle of Arran will sink into the sea. (That one was David Icke, and since I have to go to a wedding there next month, I'd really rather it didn't.)
#6.	Flying saucers will arrive on Earth from the planet Amway.
#5.	California will fall into the sea, and Arnold will blame Gray Davis.
#4.	Ben and J-Lo split up! But then get back together... but then split up! But then get back together... but then...
#3.	Planet X causes Nancy Lieder to lose interest in this thread.
#2.	Congress passes an amendment stating all future presidents must be former "American Idol" contestants.
#1.	The Amazing Randi and JREF will have to pay Sylvia Browne, John Edward, Yellow Bamboo, a little Russian girl, a horde of dowsers, several remote viewers, and a mime one million dollars each for proving that their paranormal claims are real. Afterward, Randi will be exposed as a swindler, a con-man, the half brother of Gary Schwartz, and a closet fundamentalist with the IQ of a dinner plate. Michael Shermer will found Credophile Magazine, and the server space for the JREF forums will be used for a website geared for selling homepathic cures, tarot cards, crystals, healing magnets, and winning lottery numbers.

Top 10 Psychic Powers That James Randi Has Yet To Investigate
#10.	The ability to cause Osama Bin Laden and the CIA informant to vanish off the face of the Earth.
#9.	The power of those Queer Eye guys to make straight guys think they're cool when they actually look gay, too.
#8.	The psychic ability to "become invisible" while waiting for help at the post office or other government office.
#7.	The power of making woo-woo believers' money disappear from their purses and turn up on the practitioners' purses.
#6.	The mysterious force that makes Lucky Charms "magically delicious".
#5.	The amazing ability to make even the coolest item of clothing look like a tramp's castoff.
#4.	The supernatural ability to wear any old rat eaten sack and make it look like the coolest item on Earth.
#3.	The power to keep water in a pot from boiling just by watching it.
#2.	The mysterious force behind Justin Timberlake's popularity.
#1.	The miracle that Conan O'Brien is still on the air.

Top 10 Sylvia Browne Excuses For Not Taking the James Randi Challenge
#10	"Carl Sagan keeps telling me not to."
#9	Fears secret desire for Randi will keep her from concentrating properly.
#8	Psychic knowledge that that day is going to be a really, really bad hair day.
#7	Seven-figure income making it difficult to maintain pained facial expression.
#6	Psychic knowledge that she will fail.
#5	Already committed to do Larry King live that day, if you know what I mean.
#4	Worried about possible attack of honesty.
#3	Keeps hearing a voice from somebody, telling her something about the position of Uranus--well, anyway, that's what it sounds like. Anyway, it's very distracting...
#2	Afraid of being confused with scum-sucking, low-life charlatans who do exactly the same thing that she does.
#1	Four words: "No cake served afterwards".