HomeSkepticismThe Lighter Side of Darkness

August, 2004
Yes, it's true, folks. The scientists, the skeptics, the atheists, the rational - hell, even the Brights and James Randi, will soon be revealed to have got it all wrong! The Creator has decided to give the believers and the woo-woos their dues, so He has finally revealed himself by announcing the imminent PS - The Paradigm Shift. Skeptic Report is thrilled by the news, of course, and we fully support Randi's assertion that the million dollars shared by a world-famous Danish astrologer, a Polish dowser and a Tibetan expert on PSI will be well-spent on applied paranormal research. Thanks to time travel being enabled after PS by the fresh approach to quantum physics, or by the good old-fashioned and proven mediumship or channeling, and being projected back to the present, Skeptic Report's time-traveling reporter, Anders W. Bonde, is now able to present a glimpse into life after the Paradigm Shift, in this report revealing to you some of the headline news to come:

Headline News

ICSBSC Consensus Conference No. 551,781,158

As had been widely predicted by clairvoyants, soothsayers and prophets, the conference today in the Intergalactic Counsel of Supreme Beings and Spiritual Coaches (ICSBSC) did not end in a full consensus, as chairman G. Odd, as is his right and custom, was not in the mood to give up his toying with the human race or even with the universe. When asked by journalists why he keeps appearing in various guises, as for instance, Christian God, Allah and Krishna, he merely stated, as predicted verbatim by some of the more highly paid prophets, "Why the Hell not? I still derive enormous satisfaction from watching my creations fight amongst themselves, so what would I gain by just appearing to be exactly the same for all? The spice of life, and all that, y'know. I make 'em, I break 'em, y'see. Besides, watch your mouths, journalists, there's plenty of room for you guys in Hell, too!". "Must you?" Mary interjects - "Shut up, missus, or I'll have your lad nailed to something again…" - "Oh, no Dad - that could hurt" says Jesus. "Wimp" says G. Odd.

The vast majority of Spiritual Coaches, especially the contingents from the Pleiades and their cousins from Atlantis, had hoped for a simpler, single string system. "The lack of consensus is disappointing. It's just too confusing for humans the way it's been for the last few thousand earth years" a spokesangel said. "We're confident that everything would run a lot smoother if the ICSBSC could come up with a single, common and reliable standard for manifestations, apparitions and communication."

Is there nothing that can be done to make the chairman fall into line with the Counsel?

"Well, he pretty much calls the shots, so we're very dependent on his mood. The tricky thing is that his mood is so dependent on how living humans interpret his rather…shall we say cryptic messages [the spokesangel casts a furtive glance over her shoulder, as he watches G. Odd press a button for the activation of another flood in Pakistan]. We've ordered millions of living humans to pray, stroke crystal balls, make sacrifices and generally run around looking stupid and doing foolish things like pointing their bottoms in our general direction ("Yeah, that really turns me on" chuckles G. Odd), but it doesn't really seem to help, even though we've got some excellent mediums and channelers working for us now. The problem is that the sixty two billion members of the Counsel have to spend too much time sorting Karmas and selecting channelers. The Karma Project requires quite a panel of judges, all of whom must themselves have broken the Karma circle, and the selection of channelers keeps our employment angels and job consultant spirits busy. We'll just have to wait and see a few thousand years more, I guess. I had rather hoped the PS would have made eternal life easier, but it's just become more confusing because there are so many more questions to answer now."

This report from the ICSBSC Conference was brought to your soul directly by Intergalactic Telepathy (IT). Clairvoyants, soothsayers, prophets, astrologers and clergy are kindly asked to forward this message to living humans who are not yet connected through IT.

Police on 3-day work-weeks

New York City Police Chief Malcolm Sprudll Ten-Tenths (formerly John Duff, as a recent visit to the numerologist enabled him to take the plunge from janitor to Police Chief in record time, irrespective of his two unfortunate prior incarnations as a victim of a zombie and a mass murderer) is in despair: "We're bored out of our sculls" he says. "Since we hired Sylvia Browne, and yes she has crossed over, but she still does sterling work, and John Edward full time, we've achieved a 100% investigation success rate. Problem is, that since we can now predict all crimes, and by astrology check birth records for potential criminals, we've got virtually no more work to do - the only crimes we get are where one psychic or clairvoyant is more powerful than those on our staff and actually manages to throw them off the scent. Happily, we've got a very devout and righteous (she even looks the part in her skimpy religious garb) Miss Mayor, and she tends to get anything she prays for, so generally we've been able to overpower the bad psychics and a few peddlers of black magic - the terrorists of our times. But we're bored - even ghostbusting has become too easy with modern quantum dowsing combined with good old fashioned exorcism."

Lottery looses out

The State Lottery went into liquidation yesterday.

"Since clairvoyance is now taught from first grade in all public and private schools, picking the winnings is no longer done exclusively by university graduated astrologers and psychics" said CEO of the Lottery, Fat Chance (formerly Gawky Finkelstein, as a recent visit to a state certified numerologist enabled him to take the plunge from bell boy to CEO of the State Lottery in record time). "Since everybody who cares to can now predict the right numbers, the individual prizes have become so small that few people are really interested in the Lottery anymore. We knew it would turn out this way, of course, Nostradamus had said so long ago, but we had prayed fervently that at least those who saw it as a sport rather than a source of wealth would stay on board. We even upped the kitty by hiring a few good dowsers to find us some gold, but they'd been beaten to it by other even better dowsers with prior knowledge from past and future incarnations. Just can't win anymore, I guess - there's always someone from another plane, another planet, another life, or another dimension who's ahead of you in this game, even though I should know the numbers before anyone else. It's damned frustrating that the Enlightened always beat me to it! Frankly, I think I would have preferred being CEO prior to the PS - but I can always travel back to that time as the bell boy I was".

The CEO now regrets that he never hired the International Society of Business Astrologers (ISBA) in a consultancy capacity: "Several mediums from various astral planes had independently recommended the well-proven ISBA, but I just couldn't get along with the bad Karma of a prominent member of the Board (who wants to remain anonymous for various karmic reasons), a feisty woman who had run into a vindictive unsatisfied customer from an earlier life, the outcome of which she had herself predicted when she walked away with a third of James Randi's Million Dollar Challenge Prize, and her ghost had never wanted to be exorcised. "Why not raise some hell - it provides much more publicity than just being called up by the odd medium now and then", the prominent Board member's ghost said in defense of her involuntary bad temper - and added: "Just ask Mr. G. Odd and the Stars - I was made that way - can't help it". No-one can deny that fact - not even a single Supreme Being.

Important Health Warning

The Surgeon General for Loch Ness and Stonehenge Positive Energy Vortices has issued a general health warning.

"The message is so serious that we've decided to issue it directly as an intuitive revelation to anyone who intends to drink out of Loch Ness, although we're aware that it's a breach of contract with several mediums and Deepak Chopra's spirit" says the press spokesmedium of the Surgeon General's office. "A maintenance engineer at the Dow Homeopathic Pharmaceuticals plant there had got distracted when a UFO, on the return trip from a crop circle creation mission, landed right next to him, so he forgot to turn the water off during a routine purging of the plant's plumbing, with the result that remedy remains in the plumbing not only got diluted to a dangerously high level, but also overflowed into the lake with obvious catastrophic consequences, including the passing over of a whole colony of Nessies. When the maintenance engineer was asked by the press and his Father why he hadn't anticipated the arrival of the Vulcan UFO, he stated that he hadn't been tuned into their telepathy frequency as he was remote viewing the girl's locker room in his childhood college at the time, and that he'd not been compelled to check his horoscope for the day, which would have averted the disaster. For his carnal offense he was sentenced by the local ICSBSC representative to eight hail Maries, an added cycle in his Karma as a castrated, bald cat, and a reduction of his allotment of virgins in paradise to a miserly 7.

News Flash

Loch Ness has just been cleansed of the dangerous homeopathic contamination reported earlier this morning. One of the visiting crew members from the Vulcan craft has just conveyed this telepathic message to several psychics: "When I noticed the maintenance engineer's smug grin as he was reeling off his mantras and manipulating his crystal balls, it reminded me of an event in one of my prior incarnations. Not wanting to be confronted with that bad Karma again - lest I meet the poor guy sometime within the next few incarnations - I decided to make amends to Gaia by asking a Quantum Dowser I know to point out for me where TOM [The Offending Molecule] was hiding in the lake. Ha! TOM, of course, wasn't even in the lake - it was still lodged in some of the plumbing at the plant, so I made myself invisible, sneaked into the plant through the 6 ft. thick concrete wall and teleported TOM out of the Milky Way. But since TOM had, of course, long since transferred its memory to all the molecules of the lake, I conferred with Jaques Benveniste's spirit who said, in no uncertain terms, that I also had to call on a crystal healer and a Christian faith healer to clear up the mess. In a combined effort, the crystal healer tuned the frequencies of the lake's molecules from bad energy to good energy by humming copious mantras and generally waving quartz crystals about, and the faith healer made sure it all got around as it should by humming copious prayers as he walked across the water with a wide grin on his face. But then again, both Sylvia Browne and Nostradamus himself had predicted the happy end of this story, right down to the exact SPS [Spiritual Positioning System] coordinates of TOM!

Energy prices all but disappearing into the ether

For the third year running, energy prices have dropped dramatically. "We've been able to get quite a few of the Free Energy Systems implemented on a commercial scale, and we're almost meeting the infinite demand now. The future is looking good", said the spokesspirit for Free Energy Syndicate, Mr. B. S. Hogwasher.

Telecommunications technology breakthrough

The astral body of Victor Zammit, CEO of Intergalactic Telepathy (IT), has today announced to several parallel universes the marketing of a new technological breakthrough in telecommunications between different dimensions and astral planes. "Up until now, we've only been able to communicate with living humans from the other side, and with other non-physical entities, through mediums certified by the ICSBSC, which meant it was getting difficult to keep up with demand for both bandwidth and multiplexing as the number of spirits just keeps increasing - the parallel quantum holographic imprint signal-to-noise ratio was just getting out of hand. Thanks to the implementation of Astral Quantum Synchronicity Prana-Chi PSI SMS Imaging (AQSPCPSI) technology enabled by the ground-braking quantum PSI-work of Nobel Prize laureates Dr. Gary Schwarz, Dr. Jaques Benveniste, and Dr. John Mack, we can now provide transmission of video conferences with the spirits on The Other Side, or you can choose to get apparitions onto your cell phone display, or simply to download, via the Spirit Internet (not to confused with Ethernet), whole non-physical entities and souls onto your computer's hard disk. If you don't have an Internet connection, which most real Feng Shui homes shouldn't have, you can plug it into the water mains instead - but only if you use an authorized Benveniste-Blondlot converter. In some areas you may need to put up a shield to limit the noise from Earth Rays - call your nearest Public Dowsing Center for help".

Since competition is now (and then) a thing of the past (everybody knows in advance what everyone else is doing or has done, depending on what incarnation you tune into), customers needn't worry about the cost of a subscription - "All profits are earmarked for a good cause", says Zammit, and adds: "Those who don't find the material austerity after PS appealing can just commit suicide, or sign up to one of the many religious conflicts sponsored by G. Odd, and choose from one of the many Instant Martyr Services available in the religious combat theaters - everybody knows life is better after death, so it's okay to choose to pass over sooner than specified in your Mandatory State Religious Horoscope. The heads of all major churches and denominations or I can take care of your earthly belongings for you, if you should so choose".

For more information, contact Mr. Montague Keen, Mr. Cayce or Mme. Blavatsky on The Other Side.

Controversial box office flop

The Passion of The Christ II - The Documentary has proven to be a box office flop, in spite of its star, Jesus of Nazareth, appearing as himself, and the director being none other than his Dad, the ubiquitous G. Odd, Director and CEO of ICSBSC Pictures. "I guess people got put off when they saw the documentary enabled by Quantum Synchronicity Time Travel (QSTT) last year. Most people whose minds I've read and whose prayers I've overheard were disappointed to discover that the whole thing was just a show put on by Dad and I, but I believe we still had some pretty convincing special effects back then. The most bloodthirsty of my former disciples were also disappointed that I wasn't really going to be sacrificed - it was my stand-in, Flatulus, who we nailed to the polyurethane cross (a wooden one was too heavy to carry). Flatulus was actually the thirteenth disciple, who has since been "removed" from the story, as he was dying at the time from a sexually transmitted disease anyway. Just didn't fit into the story."

When asked why the show was just a show, and not the real thing, as exposed in the new movie, G. Odd replied: "Well, no need to. With the ridiculously poor records and communication systems I'd allowed the poor suckers to develop at the time, I knew from the antique Greek and ancient oriental pieces I'd done just before, that it wouldn't take much to create a myth, which was my goal, so that's just what I did - and Jesus and I just went home and had a few beers and a laugh over this business of keeping all the thick-headed theists and historians guessing afterwards - no hard feelings, I hope!. And, oh, by the way, the Earth really is only 4658 years old - I checked my diary this morning, just in case you'd ask!"

Disclosure

This time-traveling reporter won't, of course reveal all details of the many more exiting things that will happen after PS (unless you choose to read my memory of what I saw) - but I will whet your appetite with the following disclosure:

Exclusive interview with G. Odd reveals truth about Kennedy murders - and a few other mysteries:

Mr. G. Odd, who killed John F. Kennedy?

"I did! Why? Well, I knew that womanizing atheist infidel was serious about the trip to the Moon - after all, I'd provided the technology myself to the US Government by dropping that UFO on Roswell back in 1947, and I didn't want any interference with the cute little astral beings I had placed on the Moon as one of my pet experiments and watchdogs over those troublesome little humans, so I took Kennedy out on a count of hubris - I had a majority vote in ICSBSC over that"

How did you do it - where did Oswald and Ruby fit in?

"Well, Oswald was the patsy only to the extent that that was the name he'd chosen to get after the sex-change operation the CIA had planned for him, but he just couldn't stand Kennedy because Jack had had an affair with one of Oswald's buxom commie girlfriends, so I let Oswald and a few others take a shot at Kennedy. But none of the suckers could hit a barn door at point-blank range, so I just made myself invisible, stuck my hand in, and guided the magic silver bullet myself. Piece of cake, old boy, once you know how (I'd practiced that trick on Rasputin, but found couldn't do it without a hangover). As Oswald was dumb enough to tell the truth, I had Ruby take Oswald out - I didn't like Ruby much anyway due to his penchant for gambling, which I find very offensive, too, so I then screwed up Ruby's mind with mantras so he wouldn't spill the beans either.

I then had to stage the whole Moon Hoax thing, with a bit of help from my Krishna division, to cover up Jack Kennedy's and Oswald's untimely demises, and, boy, that Moon Hoax is a tough one to keep a lid on with all those perceptive, sharp, Moon Hoax conspiracy theory proponents still wanting to prove their point. Throwing in the Vietnam War and Watergate did help divert attention for a while, but I still have to keep a close eye on the whole affair. At least it keeps me from doing something stupid due to idleness! Then one day in 1968 some righteous, but confused soul from the Pleiades, which I rather like but often find too nice, too accommodating, arranged for Kennedy's brother Robert to be informed by John's spirit through a medium, Edgar Cayce or Madame Blavatsky, I think it was, and as Robert intended to spill the beans when he got elected president, yes it was on the Tarot cards - I could read his mind, and anyone else's, of course - so I planted the order in this bad-karma assassin's head to take Robert out, too. I let him come close enough so he couldn't miss, and then I screwed up his brain with mantras, too. I intended at the time to create a little religious war to divert attention - didn't happen that way, though - the Youth Revolt I'd set in progress just to spice up things a bit (all my servants had fallen asleep!) caught the headlines instead (I'd even had to create this funny, furry, little Marx character a 100 years before just to set the stage), so later on I had to disguise myself from time to time as Osama Bin Laden to stir things up a bit. Mr. Bush even thanked me for that - bless him!"

But why, Mr. Odd, why all these arranged conspiracies?

"Oh, I just like to keep my little dumb creations covered in darkness and to keep them guessing…Keeps me from abject boredom after having created Everything, I guess…silly me, in the rush I didn't even create a woman for myself when I created myself, I guess I was too busy designing the human eye at the time, although I'd like to get a second go at that 'cause it didn't come out as perfectly as I'd intended - although the real scientists, the Creation Scientists, have somehow overlooked that. So I've had to make do with Mary. Nah - she ain't no virgin no more…"

Thank you, Mr. G. Odd, for taking your time for this interview.

"My pleasure - not much to do after I've set all the wheels in motion, y'know. Now - for my next trick…"