HomeSkepticismThe Lighter Side of Darkness

July, 2004
HACKENSACK – Some spend their lives searching for the Loch Ness monster; others, el Chupacabra.

Dr. Daniel Markbotch, PhD., has more elusive prey in mind.

Dr. Markbotch is a microcryptozoologist. Unlike mainstream cryptozoologists, Markbotch investigates reports of much smaller creatures such as the quantum flea, the invisible paramecium, and, his namesake, the Markbotch flatworm.

Dr. Markbotch, who holds multiple advanced degrees from prestigious non-accredited offshore universities, has been following the trails of these strange creatures for decades. He estimates that ultimate proof of their existence is only a couple of years away, with more funding.

"Mainstream scientists don’t understand my work," Dr. Markbotch lamented in a recent interview. "If they would only read my papers, they would quickly come over into my camp." He complained bitterly about the scientists’ ad hominem attacks in response to his publications. "They focus so much on spelling and grammatical errors that they pay no attention to my ideas," he said. "They claim that they can’t understand what the paper is supposed to be about. Well, I made it as simple as I could." For greater readability, Markbotch says, he avoids the use of upper-case letters and punctuation. He explained that this is one of many accommodations made so that news of his amazing discoveries will reach the widest audience possible.

Dr. Markbotch’s largest quarry, in sharp contrast to that of other cryptozoologists, is very small indeed: The Vampire Fly. He has a filing cabinet full of evidence of this insect’s existence, most of it photographs of the fly’s signature puncture marks on its victims’ skin, as well as an artist’s rendering of a normal looking housefly with two sinister-looking fangs.

Markbotch bristles at the suggestion that the photographs are simply that of spider bites. "Absolutely ridiculous!" he snorted when asked about the allegations. "Whoever heard of a flying spider?"

On the other end of the spectrum is the quantum flea, observed only indirectly by its interaction with subatomic particles in supercollider experiments. Dr. Markbotch believes that the flea mutated from ordinary fleas infesting Schroedinger’s cat during the famous thought experiment.

"The quantum flea jumps from one electron to another, feeding off the electronic energy," Markbotch explained. "It has many very interesting properties. It can be in two places at once and move faster than light, just like any subatomic particle." To his critics, Dr. Markbotch proudly directs attention to his groundbreaking work in quantum mechanics at the Baby Doc Institute in Haiti.

"I know that the flea exists," says Markbotch. "Those who doubt its existence don’t have a clue what it takes to become a licensed quantum mechanic."

Then there is the invisible paramecium. "We have lots of sightings, lots of eyewitness accounts," Dr. Markbotch said. Normally invisible, the paramecia can apparently be seen only after ingesting large quantities of cough syrup while studying for an undergraduate biology exam. Sleep deprivation probably has something to do with it as well, Dr. Markbotch believes.

"The number of sightings has grown dramatically as word has gotten out in college campuses," he went on to say. Frustrated by his inability to observe the paramecium firsthand, but intrigued by the mounting evidence, Dr. Markbotch acquired the services of a psychic photographer to catch the elusive microbe on film. He is undeterred by charges that the photographer merely cut a picture of a normal paramecium out of an encyclopedia. "To date, none of my critics has been able to produce this alleged encyclopedia," he said. "And besides, I paid the guy three grand. Would I do that if he were just some con artist?"

The eventual future discovery of the Markbotch flatworm is the scientist’s proudest achievement. "We know that there’s this microscopic flatworm that breathes fire," he said. "It’s been shown that it can move through walls. We also speculate that it can astral-project itself to other dimensions." But, Markbotch concedes, "The only thing we can’t prove is that it actually exists." While lacking direct evidence, Markbotch infers the worm’s existence through deductive reasoning. "What other flatworm do you know of that breathes fire?" he asked rhetorically. "What other invertebrate can pass through walls? It has to be this one."

Dr. Markbotch’s will be signing copies of his latest book, "You’re Not Squinting Hard Enough: A Response to Skeptics" in front of the West Dweeberville Barnes & Noble next Monday. He advises his fans to arrive early before security runs him off. He is currently touring the country promoting his book and delivering a lecture entitled, "How Mainstream Science Screwed Me Out of the Nobel Prize".