HomeSkepticismThe Lighter Side of Darkness

July, 2003
Assume that Jesus Christ actually existed and that now he has come back as prophesized. What is one of the first things he will do? Hold a press conference, of course.

Here's how it might go:

First Question: "Mr. Christ, could you please tell us… where have you been, and why are we hearing from you now?"

JC: "What do you want to hear, the truth or what you want to hear? I have been hanging out, gettin' it together, ya know, roaming the earth like that Samuel L. Jackson said he wanted to in Pulp Fiction. By the way, Joan Osborne's song really blew me away. I thought she HAD seen me on a bus. And I would like to formally apologize for 9-11. I was really preoccupied with other things. I was in a deist funk that day I guess."

Question: "Since you brought up being recognized… Why is it that you look nothing like we had been picturing you for centuries. Frankly, you bear a much stronger resemblance to, oh maybe, a Yassir Arafat/Ringo Starr look than the icon we have of you..."

JC: "First of all, Yassir and Ringo resemble ME strongly. Secondly, where did you people get the idea I looked like that? I WISH I had hair like that!"

Question: "Mr. Christ, would you please clarify, are you a Christian or a Jew?"

JC: "I could say I am the founding member of "Jews for Jesus" but that would be pompous. Well, let's just say this is one of the things I have been working on..."

Question: "Would you care to expand upon the Genesis account of the creation?"

JC: "Not really but if I don't, you won't let up. Genesis was a bet between Lucifer and I. By the way, his real name is Mickey but he had to change it to Lucifer. Who would take a prince of evil named Mickey seriously? But anyway, he said you would swallow that stuff about 6 days, let there be light and so forth and I thought y'all would have caught on long before now. I mean, really, six days to create everything… yeah, right! What were y'all thinking? You think I'm responsible for Michael Jackson?"

Question: "Since you expelled the tax collectors, would you say you are a republican or a democrat?"

JC: "Republican?? Hell no! Would you honestly expect a guy wearing a toga and sandals who looks like Ringo to be anything like ol' slow witted GW? And although I favor aid to the poor and am against wars in general, especially "holy wars," I am more of a libertarian. No taxes except for the rich. Bush's tax cuts are a golden shower to the middle class. Those republican clowns actually invited me to testify before congress in favor of defense spending but I told them to go to hell."

Question: "What are your immediate plans?"

JC: "I have offers to be a spokesman for Birkenstock and from several wine companies. You think Tiger Woods can move merchandise? Wait till you see me in action! But I would really like to carry the Olympic torch into the next Olympics, THAT would kick serious ass. I am also planning my own reality TV show. And one of these days, I need to learn how to drive"

Question: "What do you think of popular culture… any favorite movies, artists…?"

JC: "I hate Christian rock. You think Creed can do a Doors' song justice? Those groups are worse than "boy bands," they sound like crap. I am not a PETA supporter nor do I enjoy having my name on t-shirts. But Darwin fish are actually funny. I haven't seen any movies lately but I do like Letterman. He's right, ya know, Dr. Phil is a quack. Finally, I have nothing to do with touchdowns being caught or dropped."

Question: "So which church is closest to what you had in mind?"

JC: "None! I am going to have to start all over. But, I do like the Pope's "pope-mobile." But really, you should kill pine trees for my alleged birthday? And when I won't stay dead, rabbits suddenly start laying eggs? Give me a break! Who made all this up?" Suddenly, the Q&A ended as Christ's security ushered him off stage…